Humor
Who to Marry (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
–
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
– Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
– Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10
The Value of a College Education
A mother was talking to her college student son about the recent high prices for gasoline. The son told the mother, "I never pay more than 87 cents a gallon for the gas I buy." The mother asked where he found such a bargain. He said, "At the convenience store near our house."
The mother was confused. She bought gasoline there all the time. So, she asked her son to explain. He said, "Well, the gas has always been 87, 89 and 93. I always buy the 87."
Speaking of Consultants...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
" That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
" You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
" Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
" No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
" ...Now give me back my dog."
Speaking of Engineers...
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
" Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us ? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
" Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.
Speaking of Lawyers...
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Q: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
A: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove ny and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding - my God, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was an attorney, and that he had purchased the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, "Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they're all at my wife's funeral."
Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I address the jury, I'll plead for clemency." "Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer!"
Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A: If they wake up, they'll start digging.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
Speaking of Golfers... The Sand Trap
An old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet.
The old man said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the old guy, "I do, would you please give me a hand."
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